Who Run the World? Girls?
Are you successful in your career but unhappy with your dating life or relationship?
In the Western World, we are so fortunate and take for granted that as women, we can do just about anything we want to. Here in Sydney, I know many successful women who are achieving their dreams. They are smart, intelligent, savvy and they’re well-respected in their career.
However, so many of them are disillusioned with the dating scene. They feel like they have it all, except for the relationship they crave. Now, my intention is not to upset those women who are quite happy being single and free to pursue their career goals. This blog is directed to the ones who feel like something is missing from their lives: the love of a man and someone to share their life with.
From the Baby-Boomers to Generations X and Y, women have grown up in an era where we are encouraged to pursue any wildest dream that we’ve ever had. The only problem with this teaching is that we have also been misled to believe that this also includes the pursuit of men.
Many women have tried it. They figure that they can match it with men at work so why not be assertive and go after the man they like? Unfortunately, the consequence is that so many women find themselves in one of these situations:
Perpetually in and out of relationships with guys who are “afraid of commitment.”
They think they’re in a relationship but seemingly out of nowhere, the guy breaks up with them and marries someone else soon after, or
They don’t seem to have much luck at all in the dating world, let alone in even starting a relationship.
Many women write-off this phenomenon as men being afraid of commitment or intimidated by a successful, intelligent woman. But this isn’t the case. A good guy is not afraid of commitment, he’s just afraid of commitment with the wrong girl. He’s not intimidated by a successful, intelligent woman, but he doesn’t like being emasculated by a woman who is overpowering and controlling. There is a big difference between being assertive and strong, and being controlling.
When it comes to dating, the greatest assets we have as a woman is our femininity and our magnetism. It’s a powerful formula when you know how to mix these qualities with confidence and firm boundaries.
So what does this mean in practice? While there is so much to learn and master in doing this effectively, here a few suggestions in how you can begin to express this powerful formula:
Respect and value the differences between men and women. There are not only obvious physical differences but we are also wired very differently. This has huge implications in relationships. Much of why we struggle, is that we are almost subconsciously trying to make women more like men and men more like women, so that few of us really know what we're doing in the dating scene. Once you stop fighting against nature and working with it effectively, the magic begins.
Don’t approach a man first or initiate contact with him in any way. If you do this, you become the pursuer. Men are biologically wired to be hunters. This includes the pursuit of women. I know a lot of women don’t like to hear this but it rarely works out well for you when you become the aggressor in a relationship. Men have a certain look that they are attracted to. Your intelligence and job description mean little to him in the beginning. It will soon enough but at first, he cares mostly that you are someone who's caught his eye and he wants to go after it. If he catches you because you consider him worthy, then he values his prize (which will eventually include a deeper appreciation for your intellect and brilliance.) If you take this pursuit away from him, you will usually find out the hard way, that you were not the woman he really wanted. He may be flattered at first, but eventually, he will go after the woman he really wants.
Embrace your femininity and appreciate his masculinity. I understand that in the workplace, women are in charge of a number of staff, or even an entire corporation. But you can’t let this ability to manage people in the workplace translate to being controlling on dates. Don’t be afraid to be treated like a lady. Allow him to buy you dinner, open doors for you, shelter you from the rain. Let him lead the way. Your job is to set firm boundaries - nicely, not aggressively - with your actions - that will protect you from getting caught up with a player or a guy that isn’t right for you. Take your time, observe his actions. See if what he says and what he does really do match up. Try to take a step back and away from controlling any outcome. By being calm, observant, sweet and naturally yourself, you will see very quickly if he’s a good guy and whether he is someone you could be with. A good guy wants to take care of his lady and what woman doesn’t want to feel protected and loved by her man? It doesn’t mean you have to start pretending to be something that you’re not. It means allowing your true self to come through and breaking down some of your walls that may have built up over time, without appearing needy.
Don’t ask him his intentions or bring up marriage. This is a sure-fire way to scare him away early on. It just doesn’t work to ask him about this. If you allow him to lead, he will make it clear what his intentions are, earlier than you probably think. A man who is crazy about you, can’t contain himself. If he doesn’t tell you his intentions of his own accord in a reasonable amount of time, then you probably have your answer…
Dating is a real skill. We live in a world where everything we want is easily accessible but it’s not making dating any easier. My job as a dating and relationship coach is to teach you how to master these skills so that first and foremost, you don’t struggle anymore or feel any anxiety, or question a man’s motives or wonder if he’s really into you. Secondly, I teach you how to handle the entire dating process with poise and confidence so that when Mr Right does appear, you don't inadvertently scare him away by doing the things that might feel right at the time but may not serve you or the relationship well. At the end of the day, I want for you, what you want for yourself: to marry the man of your dreams and have an incredible relationship. It’s possible. But the first step is accepting that what you have been doing isn’t working the way you would like and being open to something totally new. When you do, dating becomes fun again and in the most fascinating way, by you relinquishing control, you actually feel more in control!