Are Your Relationship Goals Actually Setting You Up For Misery?
The new year is a time for reflection, resolutions, and turning over a new leaf. But did you know that sometimes the goals you set in those moments of New Year inspiration may actually not be serving you?
Here's an example of a not-so-great goal: By the end of 2019, I want to be engaged to the man of my dreams. So what's so bad about that goal? It follows the principals of SMART goal-setting, which should produce really great, highly motivating goals. It's SPECIFIC: I want to be engaged to the man of my dreams and I know by when I want it to happen. It's MEASURABLE: I'll know I've achieved my goal because there will be a ring on my finger by New Year's Eve 2019. It's ACHIEVABLE: If I follow The Rules for dating, this is most definitely something I can achieve. They've helped so many women around the world to achieve the same thing. It's RELEVANT: This goal means the world to me! I'm tired of being on my own in the world. I want to find the right man to share my life with. It's TIMELY: The Rules have achieved engagement within a year of dating for countless women, so there's no reason it can't happen to me too.
It is a realistic, achievable goal. BUT it sets an ultimate outcome that is out of your reach on a day-to-day basis and this leads to constant frustration.
I have many clients who are now engaged and others who are happily married. They will tell you that they had absolutely no control over when their man was going to show up in their lives. The only thing they could control was themselves and the ACTIONS they were putting in place DAILY to achieve their dream. They will also tell you that it wasn't the engagement that finally made them happy or the wedding day that made them happy.
Why not? Because the next day, each of these women woke and embarked on the next phase of the relationship, which has its own unique joys and challenges. And this is life. It's full of ups and downs all the way through.
The point is, setting a goal like this will not make you happy long term. It's actually counterproductive to your own happiness. I often have ladies talk to me about how disappointed and disillusioned they are and how they're sinking into depression because it still hasn't happened for them. They bought The Rules book and they put everything into action and yet, here they are, still single. How can this be when they'd set such a great, motivating goal - to be married within two years?
It's not easy.. and this is a fair goal. Every girl on this particular dating journey wants to get married. Why else would we have sought the help through boundaries and positive dating skills in the first place? It's also a very BIG goal. It's as big a goal as any we could possibly set for ourselves in life. The person you choose to marry is one of the most important decisions you will ever make.
The trouble is, there is nothing you can do on a given day to bring that goal to fruition right now, right this moment, and end the misery of your singleness - today! What you can do though, is take action. Action, in the form of baby steps every single day. These baby steps are exactly what you do have control over. They build on each other the more you do them, over time until eventually they form habits. These baby steps make you a better person: more disciplined, more empowered, more patient, more aware, and you start to become the woman / girlfriend / fiancée / wife you need to be to attract the best man you can. It's knowing you are on the right track.
This is happiness. This is success. You have already achieved so much because you are taking the actions that lead to tremendously rewarding outcomes. You're not having one guy after the next waste your time, sometimes for years. You're not getting into relationships with unavailable or married men who make endless promises only break your heart. You're not lost and confused in the madness of the online dating world because you are now using a system that works. So because you're not engaged or married yet you're a failure????
When you really think about it, that kind of thinking is madness and will only lead to misery. That misery puts your goal even further out of reach. A goal should feel liberating and empowering. They should add meaning to your life and help you to make the right choices. The Rules are a proven system and when you action that system in the most efficient, disciplined manner, you are already a success. Without the system, there is a world of uncertainty around you. The goal is the MEANS, the REASON you took on this journey of becoming a better version of you. This is what gives you joy and fulfilment in the present moment. Every time you take a positive step, every time you don't call the guy you like, every time you accept a date three days in advance, every time you let him plan the date, every time you walk away from someone who doesn't value you or your time, you are experiencing a reward for your efforts. So if you have a goal similar to the "SMART" goal above. Try rewording it to more of an affirmation like this: "Each day I vow to follow The Rules for dating to the best of my ability, as I know very deeply that this is going to give me the best chance of becoming my best self, staying out of dysfunctional and painful relationships and to one day meet and marry the man of my dreams, when the time is right." Happy New Year. All my love, Lynda xxx Visit my website now for more information on how to get on the Fast Track to Your Dream Guy.